The Buddha's Explanation of Happy
Married Life
We can
study the Buddha's teaching regarding the feelings that man and woman have for
each other. The Buddha says that he had never seen any object in this world
which attracts man's attention more than the figure of a woman. At the same
time the main attraction for the woman is the figure of a man. It means that by
nature, woman and man give each other worldly pleasure. They cannot gain
happiness of this kind from any other object. When we observe very carefully,
we notice that among all the things which provide pleasure, there is no other
object that can please all the five senses at the same time beside the male and
female figures.
The
ancient Greeks knew this when they said that originally man and woman were one.
They were separated and the two parts that were divided are constantly seeking
to be re-united as man and woman.
Pleasure
Young
people by nature like to indulge in worldly pleasures which can include both
good and bad things. Good things, like the enjoyment of music, poetry, dance,
good food, dress and similar pursuits do no harm to the body. They only
distract us from seeing the fleeting nature and uncertainty of existence and
thereby delay our being able to perceive the true nature of the self.
The
faculties and senses of young people are very fresh and alert; they are very
keen to satisfy all the five senses. Almost every day, they plan and think out
ways and means to experience some form of pleasure. By the very nature of
existence, one will never be completely satisfied with whatever pleasure one
experiences and the resultant craving in turn only creates more anxieties and worries.
When we
think deeply about it, we can understand that life is nothing but a dream. In
the end, what do we gain from attachment to this life? Only more worries,
disappointments and frustrations. We may have enjoyed brief moments of
pleasure, but in the final analysis, we must try to find out what the real
purpose of our lives is.
When one
ceases to crave for sensual pleasure and does not seek to find physical comfort
in the company of others, the need for marriage does not arise. Suffering and
worldly enjoyment are both the outcome of craving, attachment and emotion. If
we try to control and suppress our emotions by adopting unrealistic tactics we
create disturbances in our mind and in our physical body. Therefore we must
know how to handle and control our human passion. Without abusing or misusing
this passion, we can take our desires through proper understanding.
3.
The Reality of Married Life
John J.
Robinson in his book Of
Suchness gives the following
advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it is much
easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it's
heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings
constantly to you, it can be one of the bitterest things in life. Life is
indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your
heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of
sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his
feelings too much. This is especially true if one drinks and get befuddled; the
most lously slut in a dark bar can look like a Venus then, and her charms
become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological
foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and
mixed up."
Problems
Almost every
day we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear
stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing
romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately,
marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated
and people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to
face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced
hitherto.
People
often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very
important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful
marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by minimizing whatever
differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to
say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a
blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the
husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
Sharing and Trust
One of the
major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a
blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.
Both
husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have
secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealously,
jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation,
suicide or even murder.
If a
couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console
each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not
expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable
experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong will power
to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will
give them confidence to live together with better understanding.
Man and
woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The
feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more
meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share
another's burden.
Blinded by Emotions
When two
people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and
character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves.
Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely
oblivious of the darker side of each other's natures.
In
practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the
other, and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at
"face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his
or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are
discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardize their
chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their
partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after
marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer
all."
However,
after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each
other's character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both
parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost
feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners.
It is then that disillusion sets in.
Material Needs
Love by
itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a
materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing
and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a
situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the
door, love flies through the window." This does not mean that one must be
rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the basic necessities of life
provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties
can be removed from a marriage.
The
discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between
the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must
treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the
"ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing
life partnership.
Pre-marriage Advice
The
Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the Buddha gave to young
girls prior to their marriage. Realizing that there could be difficulties with
the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to give every respect to their
mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving them lovingly as their own parents.
They were expected to honor and respect their husband's relatives and friends,
thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were
also advised to study and understand their husbands' natures, ascertain their
activities, characters and temperaments, and to be useful and cooperative at
all times in their new homes. They should be polite, kind and watchful of their
husbands' earnings and see to it that all household expenditures were properly
administered. The advice given by the Buddha more than twenty five centuries
ago is still valid even today.
By Ven. Dr.K Sri Dhamannada
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